


"Do not have sex!: Reasons why your virginity is sacred," by your mothers. (A presentation to Maria Lopez-Fabray, on the subject of her dalliance with Joseph Puckerman.)

by backitup_baby



Category: Glee
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-05-05
Updated: 2012-05-05
Packaged: 2017-11-04 21:18:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,082
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/398307
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/backitup_baby/pseuds/backitup_baby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Santana and Quinn's daughter starts dating Puck and Rachel's son, all hell breaks loose in terms of Quinn's sanity and anxiety. A slideshow presentation is made.</p>
            </blockquote>





	"Do not have sex!: Reasons why your virginity is sacred," by your mothers. (A presentation to Maria Lopez-Fabray, on the subject of her dalliance with Joseph Puckerman.)

**Author's Note:**

  * For [wanderinghope](https://archiveofourown.org/users/wanderinghope/gifts).



“I’m going to bed. If you want to stay up all night driving yourself crazy, whatever.” 

Quinn glances up and scowls slightly as Santana gets up from the couch and comes closer to where she’s sitting with her laptop. “Seventeen is the average age for youth to begin having sexual intercourse,” she says, reading from a website she has open in her browser. “Maria’s seventeenth birthday is in… three months. I’m being _proactive_.”

“You’re being psycho,” Santana says pointedly. She stops and drops a quick kiss on the top of Quinn’s head before peering at the computer screen. “ _‘“Do not have sex!: Reasons why your virginity is sacred,” by your mothers.’_ ” She makes a face and leans forward, editing the slide before Quinn can object. “Please, leave me out of this,” she adds as she changes the author space to read ‘by your crazy mother, Quinn’ instead.

Quinn makes a self-conscious noise and taps her fingers on the laptop. “This is serious, Santana. Joseph and Maria have been seeing each other for two weeks and if he’s anything like his father–”

“He may be Puck’s kid, but you’re forgetting that Berry’s his mom. I’m sure she’s been giving him his own slide presentation about abstinence since he sprouted pubes.”

“Please, Santana, I really don’t want to think about our daughter’s boyfriend’s pubic hair.” Quinn closes her laptop finally, a worried look on her face.

Santana sighs, reaching out and pulling Quinn in for a loose hug. “It’ll be fine. We raised her right, okay?”

“Okay,” Quinn says, biting her lip and wrapping her arms around Santana’s neck. “It’ll be fine.”

–

A week later, Maria misses her curfew by fifteen minutes and Quinn is busy perfecting the third draft of her presentation, which she finished secretly just in case.

Santana has to work late one night, so she texts Quinn saying, ‘order a pizza or something? it’s on ur sugar mama tonite.’ She comes home a few hours after she’s typically expected and is in the middle of yelling about how they better have saved her some cheese bread when–

“Quinn, no, honey. I told you we’re _not_ doing this.”

“Mama,” Maria says, a pained look on her face from where she’s being held captive at the kitchen table. Santana’s wife is standing in front of her with a screen she must have borrowed from work. Damn her and her connections. The presentation is already projected onto it. “Make her stop.”

“It has to be done,” Quinn says dramatically, taking out a laser pointer and underlining the first bulletpoint.

>   * _Disclaimer: While your mothers believe sex before marriage should be avoided if possible, we also believe it is every woman’s right to choose when to share their special self with someone just as special. If you decide to give yourself to someone (e.g., Joseph Puckerman), please tell your mothers immediately. We will not throw you out of the house._
> 


When Quinn is finished reading the first slide, she clicks over to the next one, despite the fact that Maria has buried her face in her hands. Santana feels similarly. “Can we please expect that our daughter will make good choices because that’s how we raised her?” she says to Quinn through gritted teeth.

“Can we please stop undermining my efforts in front of our daughter?” Quinn replies, flashing Santana one of her most passive-aggressive smiles.

> #### _Sex._
> 
> _When two people love, trust, and respect each other, they sometimes decide to have a serious discussion about whether they want to engage in sexual intercourse._
> 
>   * _The act of making love is very special and unique._
>   * _While it is possible to have sex without being in love with the other individual, feelings make it >5000% better!_
> 


Santana is more-than-vaguely worried that all of this will send their daughter in the exact opposite direction. There’s a large part of her that also feels hypocritical for being even remotely involved in lecturing their daughter about not having premarital sex. “Maria, really, if you decide that you want to have sex, just tell us. It’s fine.” 

“It is _not_ –” Quinn stops herself and takes a few deep breaths. “Let’s continue, shall we?”

“No, mom, please–”

> #### _Sex, you, and Joseph Puckerman._
> 
> _While your mothers are in a same-sex, long-term, and commited relationship, we fully endorse your right to express your heterosexual self and love you for it!_
> 
>   * _However, you should be aware that sex with boys may lead to one thing in particular…_
> 


Quinn is starting to work up speed, pacing slightly back and forth in a way that Santana recognizes from her job as a local community college adjunct. She clicks to the next slide and reads the words in a grave, loud voice.

> ##  _TEENAGED PREGNANCY!!!!!!!!_

Santana actually has to suppress a chuckle at Quinn’s melodrama. Her wife shoots her another glare, though, and goes to the next slide.

> #### _You may be thinking: What do my two moms know about teenaged pregnancy?_
> 
> _It may surprise you, Maria Adriana Lopez-Fabray, to learn that once upon a time, your mother, Quinn, was a victim of teenaged pregnancy._
> 
>   * _The father shall remain unnamed._
>   * _The “takeaway” here is that pregnancy is no picnic, even though it is often romanticized in television shows and movies._
> 


Santana stands up, filled a mix of amusement and horror, and moves towards Quinn with outstretched hands. “Quinn, come on, isn’t this enough?” She glances over towards their daughter, who has a strange look on her face – Santana can’t quite place it as necessarily surprise or shock. Hmm. 

“Don’t! This is important!” Quinn sidesteps Santana and moves to the next slide. “Maria, you better be listening closely. This is for your own good.”

> #### _Side effects of teenaged pregnancy._
> 
> _Many, if not all of the following effects are present._
> 
>   * _Significant weight gain._
>   * _Irritability and overall moodiness._
>   * _The inability to sleep on one’s stomach._
>   * _Even more weight gain than one expects._
>   * _Stretch marks._
> 


Maria finally speaks up here now, and Santana has to marvel at the fact that their daughter isn’t just getting up and running away. Spine of steel. That’s her girl. “Mom, I get it. Pregnancy sucks.”

“You do not get it,” Quinn tells her, very sternly. “It more than sucks. Next slide.”

> #### _Side effects of teenaged pregnancy._
> 
>   * _A weird patch of hair on your stomach._
>   * _The need to pee all the time._
>   * _A baby._
> 


Quinn clicks to the next slide before anyone can even protest.

> #### _A closer look at labor._
> 
> _You may be familiar with the concept. The baby moves from the uterus through the vaginal canal to emerge from its mother. Sometimes, deliberate lacerations are needed to ease the process._
> 
>   * _A case study: During my labor, doctors made incisions. My vagina has never been the same._
> 
>   * _Bonus fun fact! The average weight of a full-term newborn child is 7.5 lb._
> 
> 


“I brought this weight from the basement so you can feel it, then imagine pushing this through your orifice.” Quinn picks up a dumbbell and holds it out to her, and Santana isn’t at all surprised to see that this is where Maria finally snaps. 

“Mom, _please_. I can’t even begin to talk about how ridiculous this is,” Maria says sharply, actually standing up for this rebuttal. 

Santana has to admit she’s proud that the two of them raised a daughter that isn’t shy about expressing her opinion, even though they did try to make an effort to squash the more… argumentative and problematic social traits the two of them had when they were teenagers. Well, there was that one incident where Maria had to talk to the school counselor for a week straight in middle school because she had had some personal problems with another girl… but at least she hadn’t slushied anyone.

“It’s not ridiculous,” Quinn says, hefting the dumbbell in the air as though to demonstrate its weight. “I’m not going to let my daughter follow in my messy teenaged footsteps and sully her life–”

“Mom, I already knew you were pregnant when you were my age!”

That halts both Quinn and Santana immediately. Quinn closes her eyes and takes a few deep breaths; Santana recognizes the behavior all too well. “Quinn,” she says, placatingly. “It’s not a–”

“Who told you?” Quinn asks dangerously, opening her eyes and sending an accusing look in Santana’s direction.

“Mama didn’t do it. It was Mrs. Puckerman. She was feeling weird because we were dating, too, and wanted to make sure we didn’t make the same mistakes you made. No offense.” Maria has a defiant glint in her eyes that Santana recognizes in her wife. In fact, Santana’s pretty sure they’re glaring at each other in the exact same way. “And I’m not going to have sex until I’m ready. So you don’t have to worry about that. I just think it’s totally hypocritical for you both to be like this when Mr. Puckerman said you were crazy in high school.”

“I am going to kill–” 

Santana reaches out and pulls Quinn into a tight embrace before Quinn does something stupid like get in her car and go over to the Puckermans’ right now. She then addresses her daughter. “Maria, it’s… fine. Well, I mean, it’s not ‘fine,’ because the thought of mini-Puck putting his hands all over you makes me feel violently ill. But we know you can make your own decisions. Just tell us if you’re thinking seriously about it, okay? Because I think you’ll give your mom a heart attack if you end up being unsafe because you didn’t feel like we could talk about it together. Right, Quinn?”

After a long moment of silence, in which Santana and Maria just take turns looking at each other and then over at Quinn, the blonde finally opens her mouth. “Right,” she says, in a way that makes Santana feel like there’s more to what she wants to say. “We just want you to be safe and responsibile.”

“And I will be,” Maria says quickly, before either of her parents can say anything else. “Okay? I love you both. I’m going to go to my room now if that’s okay.” Santana nods and Maria stands there for a moment, kind of awkwardly, before moving in to hug them both and leave.

Once she’s gone, Santana releases Quinn. “I can’t believe they told her,” Quinn says as she sits down, her face rearranging itself into that bitchy look Santana loves. “And how dare you cut my presentation short. I didn’t even get to my slide on contraception and how ‘trust me’ is not an adequate form of birth control.”

“Seriously?” Santana looks at her wife fondly, then says, as a compromise, “What if we make a presentation together about how Rachel and Puck need to stay out of our business, and how their kid better keep it in his pants if he wants to keep it attached to his body?”

Quinn’s still frowning at first, but then she smiles before leaning in for a kiss. “See, I knew you’d come around to my slideshows.”

Santana kisses Quinn lightly, then moves an arm around her. “Maybe I’ll make my own special presentation about how Rachel should have never introduced you to slideshows.” 

Quinn laughs, and Santana is glad it isn’t that fake one she uses when she’s still upset. “Fair enough. You know, my students love my presentations.”

“No they don’t,” Santana says, smirking slightly. “I’ve visited your class. They all look bored.”

“That’s what they look like when they’re thinking,” Quinn retorts defensively, but Santana shuts her up with a kiss before she can add anything else.

“I’m kidding. Come on, let’s put the computers away and do something else.”

“Like what?” Quinn reluctantly sets her electronics aside and looks at Santana questioningly.

“Like eat the leftovers from the pizza I told you guys to order.” Santana stands up and goes over to the box sitting on the counter, then turns around to stare at Quinn. “How did you both finish all of the stuff you ordered?”

“I…” Quinn has the decency to look somewhat guilty. “We were really hungry, and sometimes you get Taco Bell on your way home when you work late, so…” 

Santana presses her lips together, torn between laughing and crying because she really is hungry. “Fine. Make this up to me later, Fabray.” 

Quinn raises an eyebrow and smirks lewdly, in a way that strangely reminds Santana of Puck. “I’ll give you an oral presentation, baby.”

“… No, Quinn, no.”

“Bad pun?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay.”


End file.
